Polyamory, Politics and Power: a curated resource list

I’ve been intentionally exploring the dynamics of ethical non monogamy (ENM) and polyamory for about five years now. The first three years were an intentional deep dive into the literature, following influencers on social media, reading books, listening to podcasts. The last two years have been deep intentional practice, opening up a long-term monogamous marriage with my partner, and ultimately embracing polyamory as a core piece of my identity.

It has been and remains a profound learning journey. My practice of polyamory is inextricably connected to and emerging out of my commitment to dismantling patriarchy and other systems of oppression. I was disappointed to find that many of the non-monogamous communities I encountered did not share this set of values. While we may have a common commitment to sex positivity and to challenging mononormativity… it often still felt very much like dominant culture re-created inside of counterculture (reproducing heteronormative dynamics of power, along the familiar intersections of gender, race, class, and ability).

So it has required careful discernment to sift through those resources to find not only those who share my external practice (polyamory), but also those who share my values (political and anti-patriarchal polyamory). Luckily, there are many more influencers and thinkers and practitioners who increasingly share an anti-oppression lens: unsurprisingly, often led by BIPOC and queer people and communities.

I want to share here some of those resources that have been most helpful to me in my own ongoing journey, as a gift in the spirit of curation for others who share these values and are also trying to practice interdependent relationships with intentionality and a commitment to building a world where everyone belongs. If you want a better sense of how I orient to these questions, here are three pieces of writing; the first two curate many of the resources/people I find myself influenced by and in dialogue with; the third is a more personal reflection on my journey to-date.

1. Let’s talk about sex… and belonging
2. The audacity of desire
3. Learning to love: from monogamy to polyamory

Books

To me this whole inquiry/exploration is about how we relate, how we practice interdependence with other humans, how we express and receive love, how we build community and belonging. I should also be clear that upstream of all of this complex relational work is the unavoidable inner work of getting in touch with yourself, learning skills of trauma healing, emotional regulation, communication, etc.

Many books/resources focus on sexuality or the erotic; others focus on relationships but gloss over sexuality; my favorites are those that take a holistic lens… and acknowledge and recognize the necessary developmental skills that are prerequisites to have a chance of success on this journey.

On navigating nonmonogamy:

1. Open Deeply, by Kate Loree.
2. Polysecure, by Jessica Fern.

On reconnecting with our bodies, our right to pleasure, and the erotic:

1. Pleasure Activism, by adrienne maree brown.
2. Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski.
3. The Body is Not an Apology, by Sonya Renee Taylor.

On understanding relationships, humanity, sexuality, how we got here, and how we might get free:

1. All About Love, by bell hooks.
2. Mating in Captivity, by Esther Perel.
3. The Art of Receiving and Giving, by Betty Martin.

All the authors named here share a commitment to relationships and the erotic as spaces to practice radical liberation.

Podcasts

There are lots of podcasts these days that speak to sexuality and increasingly to non monogamy, but very few do so with a lens that I find compelling over time. I will highlight three here that I find consistently insightful:

1. Making Polyamory Work, with Libby Sinback.
2. Speaking of Sex, with the Pleasure Mechanics (Chris Maxwell Rose & Charlotte Mia Rose)
3. Open Deeply, with Kate Loree and Sunny Megatron.

Far more of my favorite listens come from individual episodes, often on podcasts that are not devoted to the topic. I will highlight a few here as good introductions:

• The Erotic is an Antidote to Death, with Esther Perel. OnBeing podcast.
• Sex & Power in Marriage (Speaking of Sex with the Pleasure Mechanics: 2020)
• Considering Polyamory, with Martha Kauppi (Better Sex podcast, 2022).
• Decolonizing Sex with Kim Tallbear (All My Relations podcast, 2019)
• The Fluidity of Desire with Esther Perel. The Emerging Women podcast, with Chantal Pierrat, 2015.
• Attachment, Trauma & Non-Monogamy, with Jessica Fern (2022). This is actually a video presentation, and I loved it: super helpful orientation to the principles she unpacks in her book Polysecure; this can be good to watch/listen to with a partner (frankly, many of these resources can).

Articles

Way too many to curate at the moment, but hopefully I’ll come back and update with more time.

• How to explore ethical non-monogamy, by Meg Wilson. For those looking for a quick how-to/get-started guide, I thought this did a good job with the basics.
• 8 Steps to Opening Up, by Martha Kauppi. I’m a big fan of Martha’s work, and the care and intentionality with which she speaks and writes. This resource is downloadable via her website.
• Couple-centricity, Polyamory and Colonialism, by Kim Tallbear, 2023. Reading Kim is always a delight: challenging norms, expanding my thinking, inviting me into deeper ways of relating.
• Power, Privilege and Coerced Consent in Polyamory, by S.M. Stray, 2019. One of the more sophisticated pieces I’ve come across talking about power, consent, coercion, and ethics, and in particular unpacking the difference between consensual nonmonogamy and ethical nonmonogamy.
• Polyamory is a quietly revolutionary political movement, by Olivia Goldhill, 2018. This is the dream for me: “Polyamory also has the power to transform traditional heterosexual family dynamics, and dismantle the gender norms demanded by that family structure.”
• The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy, by Andie Nordgren. I don’t consider myself a relationship anarchist, but many of the principles enumerated here resonate deeply and inform my practice of polyamory.
• Grief and nonmonogamy, by Mel Cassidy, 2021. I really love her vulnerable and self-revelatory writing style; this is a great example. Because I am so far on the poly scale (see graphic below) I sometimes have a hard time relating to the experiences of people with a more monogamous orientation; she helps me see/understand better.

Influencers/good follows

I get a lot of my content these days via Instagram, which often helps point out to other good material out in the world. There are also people out there who produce good content but aren’t really on social media: I want to highlight here a few who continue to influence me.

1. Kim Tallbear, on decolonized sexuality.
2. Leanne Yau, Polyphilia.
3. Evita Sawyers.
4. Roy Graff, Open Relating.
5. Mia Schacter, Consent Wizardry.
6. Victor Warring.
7. Jessica and Joe Daylover, Remodeled Love.
8. Cyndi Darnell.
9. Casey Tanner, Queer Sex Therapy.
10. Dalychia and Rafaella, Afrosexology.
11. Mel Cassidy, Radical Relating.

Practical Tools

Finally, I want to offer a couple concrete tools and practices that you can do right now, as a way to get more in touch with your desires, and the type of relationships you want.

1. Relationship Smorgasbord. This is a useful tool for everyone trying to form interdependent intimate relationships: it’s a radical invitation to center your desires and reach for connection.
2. 3-Minute Game. I love to play this with new partners, as an exploration into boundaries, consent, and desire.

I also want to name two communities offering workshops that intentionally explore sexuality, eroticism and a diversity of relationships:

1. ISTA. I found this a powerful immersion… but it’s admittedly in the neo-tantra space, tends to be mostly white, and many folks there in my view are comfortable with spiritual bypassing. And yet: still worth considering, there is powerful medicine there.
2. HAI. I haven’t personally experienced this one, but more BIPOC friendly by reputation, slower moving.

And a fun little mostly-tongue-in-cheek graphic to give you something to chew on:

credit to Andrew Noske, here

I will leave it there for now; I intend to revisit and update this list as time permits, I wanted to at least offer a place to start for others curious about walking their own paths.

In community,

Brian