Raising thriving children: parenting beyond power

Much has been made of the shift in language from the rightfully child-centric “child-rearing” to the modern discourse on “parenting.” What the shift gets right, in my mind, is that it reminds us how much of “raising children” depends on how we ourselves show up in the world.

Without question the most challenging part of parenting for me is trying to embody in my parent-child relationships (with my wife and our two children) the values of the world I want to live in. At its most basic, this is a desire to move from a world based on domination to a world based on partnership: from “power-over” to “power-with.” Nowhere is that ethos more challenging to put into practice than in my day-to-day parent-child dynamics.

“It took five years after becoming a parent to realize that the oppression I fought outside of my home was deeply entrenched inside my own home in my relationship with the first child in my life. I began to see how my use of power, control and domination of her (all while practicing attachment and “gentle” parenting) were planting the seeds for oppression and discrimination to be perpetuated in our society.” -Teresa Graham Brett

A number of friends have asked me to share some of what I’m learning and some of the resources I find helpful in this journey (which remains ongoing!) I’ll try to group them here under logical headings, and very much invite feedback on what works for you, what other resources you might recommend, and how you approach these questions. I’ll try to keep this in outline form: it’s a high-level syllabus. I will try to update this post periodically as I learn more and hopefully become a better parent (and person).

I will acknowledge that most of the literature out there on parenting— and most of what I highlight here — is from or curated by cisgender white heterosexual people, usually women, often with class privilege. The ones I like best understand that and focus on bringing other voices/perspectives to the conversation, but it’s not the same. I’d love recommendations for other resources from more diverse voices.

Let’s begin with a teaser on what success looks like, and why we’re doing all this work. Wouldn’t this be nice?

Most of us… maybe 1–2 out of 10, I imagine?

Parents, children, and society

This is the big-picture. Before we get down to how YOU raise YOUR kids, it’s about how we as a society think about the parent-child relationship.

1. Riane Eisler is my cornerstone; she pioneered the concept of “domination to partnership.” Here’s an overview; here’s a deeper dive.
2. Miki Kashtan is also incredible. This is a good introduction to her work. If you want the real deep-dive, this paper is just spectacular.
3. Teresa Graham Brett’s concept of “childism” is powerful; this podcast episode is a great overview, and this article is courageous in its self-reflection.
4. This Special Report on Childhood from the Economist is a good summary of how radically things have changed since we were children.
5. I love this reflection from Gabor Mate on power and control in parenting.

Parenting Philosophy

I draw from five related philosophies, all of which emphasize the importance of deep respect for children and their autonomy, of the need to acknowledge and support their emotions, and for speaking to both their needs as children AND our needs as parents. In no particular order:

1. Positive Discipline. Jane Nelsen is the guru; this is a good explainer of key take-aways. I love the Seattle-based Joyful Courage podcast.
2. Gottman. Based on the work of Julie and John Gottman (better-known for their relationship work), the core feature of their parent-child guidance is around emotion-coaching. No podcast in particular, but their website has lots of resources (we found a therapist trained in their methodology).
3. RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers), originally pioneered by Magda Gerber and now best personified by Janet Lansbury; it’s primarily about respecting children’s autonomy. This is a good explainer. The Unruffled Podcast by Janet is excellent.
4. Relational Parenting. My introduction to it came through anti-patriarchy literature and particularly from men trying to undo patterns of domination (Terry Real is great). Mark Greene and Saliha Bava have a great little book on it.
5. Nonviolent Communication. This sort of ties the above philosophies together: I think of it as a tactical approach to operationalizing the above (it’s a tool that goes beyond parenting). Marshall Rosenberg was the godfather; this is a good introduction, and this podcast is a great overview.

These practices apply across race and gender lines — with important differences and nuance — though it should be noted they were all developed by cisgender white people in the Western context.

I love lots of examples of indigenous wisdom in the parenting sphere: particularly notions of kinship and familial connection that extend beyond the narrow confines of biological parent-child relationships. I also think there is a ton of wisdom to be distilled — even if it hasn’t yet been neatly packaged into a “philosophy” for Western consumption — since indigenous cultures generally tend to be more matriarchal and as such less prone to the original sin of power and domination in parent-child relationships. I love this reflection from one indigenous parent on some of these themes, and this article on Inuit parenting styles, for example.

My favorite overall parenting podcast is Your Parenting Mojo, by Jen Lumanlan (yes, another cis white woman). She does a deep read of all the literature on a given subject (time-outs, yay or nay? when to talk about sex to your child?) and presents it in a very cogent and engaging way, identifying the points of disagreement, and offering her perspective. It’s awesome.

Parenting… first, heal thyself

Much as I would like this not to be true (do as I say, not as I do!) how we show up with our kids is everything. And if you’re like most people in the world, you’ve probably internalized a lot of intergenerational trauma that you probably haven’t acknowledged — all the more so if you hold marginalized identities (race, class, etc). Even those of us who grew up in loving households inevitably carry our parents’ unhealed trauma (Gabor Mate is among my favorites on this). Honestly, I’m not sure how to do this work without the benefit of a skilled therapist (itself a form of privilege). Are you sitting down? Take a look at this and tell me it doesn’t resonate (and this isn’t even getting into the more obvious forms of what we think of as abuse or trauma). Courtesy of Nicole LePera, one of my favorite Instagram follows.

So yeah. That’s doing the work to get yourself right (put your own oxygen mask on before helping others…) I don’t think there’s any authentic way to parent without addressing your own trauma and committing to healing. Here’s some inspiration on this journey:

On Gender Equity in relationships…

To be clear, so much of this is influenced by the deep conditioning of patriarchy we are all born into, so it’s that much harder to un-learn. I have yet to find anything better than bell hooks’ stunning The Will to Change to give a clear sense of how these norms take root, and how we are all complicit in their perpetuation.

1. Jen and I found the book Equally Shared Parenting a useful conceptual lodestar, even if it isn’t the most race/gender/class conscious.
2. This article about sums it up: Where do kids learn to undervalue women? From their parents.
3. We still laugh (cringe) about this epic comic on the concept of “mental load” (women doing the unseen/unacknowledged labor of keeping a house running).
4. Lest gay parents think they’re off the hook here in escaping gender norms… not so fast: How Same-Sex Couples Divide Chores, and What It Reveals About Modern Parenting. Terry Real also offers some wisdom here in this deeply thoughtful interview.
5. Men need to invest in our own friendships and emotional education: we can’t coach our kids in what we ourselves don’t have language for. This essay makes the point in a powerful way: Men Have No Friends and Women Bear the Burden.
6. The notion of modeling is also really important, and flies in the face of what most of us learned when we were growing up: Fighting in Front of Your Kids is Better Than Bottling It Up.
7. I’ll just leave this here: Emotionally Intelligent Husbands Are Key to a Lasting Marriage.

Parenting and Gender

Oh man, so many layers here. The evidence is quite clear that kids get gender before race, so we’ll start here. And the evidence is also quite clear that much of what kids pick up — particularly in heterosexual households — is a direct reflection of what they observe in their parents’ interactions (see above!). The best thing you can do to raise feminist children? Practice what you preach (especially dads!)

The Hidden Brain did a couple great episodes that I find a really helpful introduction:

1. Nature, Nurture, And Our Evolving Debates About Gender
2. Can A Child Be Raised Free Of Gender Stereotypes? This Family Tried

That all said, we live in a world where gender remains super salient. Given that…

On raising boys…

1. The Mask You Live In is a great starting point. The new Minding the Gap documentary is also amazing, in a very different way: on what it’s like to grow up as a boy in America. (These are both particularly important for women, but good to watch as a couple).
2. This episode from Joyful Courage on raising peaceful boys.
3. This Atlantic interview and this podcast with Michael Reichert.
4. Melinda Wenner Moyer is consistently great; she has two great articles on interrupting misogyny and sexual violence in early childhood.
5. Another in that spirit that I found resonant (from the Lily, which often has good resources).
6. And this is great from Andrew Reiner: Talking to Boys the Way We Talk to Girls.

On raising girls…

1. My favorite resource by far is the site A Mighty Girl. (I wish they had one for boys…) It’s an absolute treasure trove. I also follow them on Facebook.
2. Full of practical stuff like this: How to Encourage Girls to Lift Each Other Up, Instead of Tearing Each Other Down.
3. For us dads out there: Three Things Girls Need From Their Fathers.
4. I found this a challenging (in a good way) read: Like Tomboys and Hate Girlie Girls? That’s Sexist.

Parenting and Race

Also tough waters to navigate. And like gender, the best thing you can do is have truly diverse multiracial friendships and people in your life so your kids get that experience and see you, once again, practicing what you preach. Reminder: kids learn race stereotypes BY AGE 3.

1. Hopefully we all know by now that a “colorblind” approach won’t cut it. Here’s a great look at How Well-Intentioned White Families Can Perpetuate Racism.
2. This podcast episode on “raising white kids in a racially unjust world.”
3. More Moyer, on how white parents should talk to their young kids about race.
4. For parents raising kids of color, this is a great overview on how to talk (and not to talk) about white supremacy.
5. This Your Parenting Mojo interview with Beverly Tatum offers more tactical guidance. I also love the Mojo interview on white privilege in parenting.
6. A whole series of anti-bias education resources from Louise Derman-Sparks and Julie Olsen Edwards.

Parenting and class, poverty, and inequality

As with everything, deeply intertwined with notions of race, gender, sexuality, etc.

1. This is a great introduction to some of the issues and myths, with some concrete recommendations and resources.
2. Jillian Roberts is among the best I’ve found at tackling this holistically and in an age-appropriate way. This interview is a good introduction to her work.
3. Some good basics on Talking to Your Kids About Poverty, and some straight talk on addressing homelessness in particular.
4. I like this one about countering pop culture messages: 9 ways to do better than Disney at teaching your kids about poverty.
5. These are some good videos with study questions (slightly older kids, 4 and up) that invite kids to engage with these themes.

Parenting and sex

I mean both sex-ed (how we educate our children) and of course inevitably how we model a healthy sex life as part of how we embody intimacy in our marital relationship. As with everything here, the two are inseparable.

1. The new All My Relations podcast (by two indigenous women) is mind-bending in such a good way: this episode on “decolonizing sex” is outstanding in challenging core norms and assumptions about the institution of marriage, how we think about sex, and how we think about family.
2. Anything Esther Perel writes or says is worth paying attention to. This interview on marriage advice after kids is powerful in its entirety.
3. Lots of really good stuff in the #MeToo era about consent culture. This is a good essay, targeted toward parents of teens. And because if you’re anything like me and your sex-ed was woefully inadequate… here’s a good primer from Zhana Vrangalova, who’s consistently outstanding.
4. As for talking with the kids… I really love Bonnie Rough’s contribution to the literature here with Beyond the Birds and the Bees. I also appreciate her piece on gender and sex-ed, and why keeping girls and boys together is important.

Parenting and education

In America this conversation is deeply coded with racial under- and over-tones, and of course class is inseparable here. It also probably causes parents the most stress of anything on this list… and that’s saying something.

1. As a place to start, I love love love this essay by Courtney Martin. Do yourself a favor and read it.
2. Anything by Nikole Hannah-Jones is worth reading. This podcast interview with Chris Hayes is a good introduction to her work.
3. Your Parenting Mojo has a good episode on white privilege in schools.

All right… this is already longer than I intended, and still of course only scratches the surface. So I’ll press “publish” here for now, and invite feedback, resources (podcasts, articles, authors, people to follow on social media, etc) on any of these subjects or if there are other big themes I should add to this list by all means please add them in the comments or feel free to reach out.